iciclegirl:

This one’s for you Ed. I AM strong enough to get up. Watch me! ✿

 Wonderful!!!!

This is my MOST FAVORITE magnet that I own!!!

Longstoryshort, the catalyst for this recent relapse was a really bad breakup. I need to write about this at length eventually, but to be as succinct as possible, I was head-over-heals in love with someone. We dated for about a year and a half, and throughout that entire time, she was adamant that…

Wow wow wow… this hits a soft spot with me. But because I no longer give the situation power over me, I will not delve into it at length. I am honestly just sick of talking about it :) FINALLY!!! WOO HOOO! lol.

But I have been there and done your entire situation with many guys. In fact, a neighbor of mine and i dated for a bit and he refused to give me the title as well. Yet we spent every moment together for 6 months. It was after we broke up that i met someone who said ‘you say you hate failure. Yet, you sound as if you are out to change people…you date charity cases. if you are expecting to change people, you will not and you will fail. take care of you and forgetthose who dont care to impress you.’ Scott changed my life and my outlook on men. I have changed who i date so much since then.

That was not the relationship that i mentioned at the beginning of this reblog and that is the one in which i have felt every ounce of emotion that you have described you felt. it just sucks to give yourself soooo much to someone, for them to at least act as if they are investing that muchin you…and then for it all to end. half of what you do every day is gone. i shoved the feelings down for so long while i kept thinking ‘this isnt really happening’ and then in the last two months i finally ‘felt’ and i relapsed, if you will, bc i didnt understand why him and i didnt even speak.

but then my friend made me think and realize, finally. this isnt about me. this about something deeper and with him that i can’t control and why am i letting it affect my life and my happiness. people do and CAN change…but no one will make someone else do it. You have to change yourself and want to change yourself. either people will change or they will find someone who will put up with thier bullshit. I am in the business of changing myself…and not letting people use me, take advantage of how kind i can be and how much i will go out of my way for you. people need to earn that shit. i had this attitude going into my last relationship…but then i lost it when i felt myself falling for this guy. and that is when i fell back into my old self…the one who ‘needed’ someone. and the more he pulled back the harder i tried. I never meant to make it seem like i couldnt live with out him. but i 100 percent understand how he could have felt smothered. on the other hand, commnication makes the world go round…so it fell apart as a result of both of our behaviors, not just me. and shame on me for letting men feel like i have so much power in ruining a relationship so horribly! i dont. we both do. it takes two to tango, right? ;)

bottom line, i gave too much power to him, as you stated. i fell back into a girl that relied on his happiness for my happiness. I ignored the issues that stared me in the face (things in his life) and just thought about the end result instead of each step to get there and the point we were currently at.

i am not a hater so its hard for me to hate him or any of these guys. I let them do it to me but i need to open my eyes and step it back up. I have been so happy the past few weeks. i love it. i love getting up, getting ready for work esp with the 12 HOT new pairs of shoes i have bought in the past 6 wks. I love looking in the mirror, eating healthy and being fantastic me. im hoping this isnt a phase and slowly but surely it will stick. and one day, i can be that girl i was at the beginning of my last relationship. that confident, hot, sexy, smart fun loving crazy goofy girl who knows what i want. i want to be that for my man. and i want a man who deserves it. until then, i am good just the way i am and doing EXACTLY what i am doing today.

thanks again for your posts!

I am stronger than you think I am…or than I give myself credit for sometimes.

I am a stronger person despite what you may interpret from some of my other blog posts.  Here are just somethings I have over come to get me where I am today.  This my happy list!!  Everytime I read it it will give me strength because I will remeber everything I accomplished.  Everyone should have so much to be happy about in their own lives.  Don’t measure yourself up to anyone else…or live by anyone’s standards but your own.  You can always recover from a strom; even when you bury yourself in a hole so deep that you don’t think you will ever get out.  Here it goes…

Things I Recovered From

1. Chronic Bulimia - not being able to control myself from this disease.  Now, I am trying to cure my habits and change my brain so that I can change my body and never have to struggle again.

2. Him cheating on me…several times…over and over again

3. A broken heart - people’s actions are not a reflection of your affect on his life.  His actions are a reflection of the kind of person he is, and the maturity level he is worth attaining.

4. Him making me feel like I was a mistake - I wouldn’t talk to me either…you may get those feelings back ;) 

5. Our friendship being over - those who should be in my life, like Katie, have come back into my life.  Those that should not, will not.  Amen

6. Our memories - I dont miss them with you.  I miss them with someone…anyone… I just had an interest in doing them. I just love my life and want people to be a part of it!  I want to make someone happy! 

7. Us breaking up - and working on the fact that some people wont speak to me.  I would have thought you would have some compassion for the person I am and who you know me to be…knowing that I would read this behavior as I am not good enough for me.  But since you dont, I have to finally come to this conclusion on my own and finally fix the root cause of my problems; the way I think

8. The course work of an engineering degree and acheiving the degree w/ a minor in 4.5 years with a 4.25 GPA, while going through the WORST years of my Bulimia

9. Going into HS off of a very rough last few years of grade school.  Being scared that I wouldnt be accepted.

10. Grade school years 6 and 7 and part of 8.  I was made fun of so much and for everything.  I felt like an outcast on the inside. 

11. Realizing that I am my own person outside of my parents opinions.  This was so hard for me.  I am scared to death of failing.

12.  Inpatient stay at an ED Unit I checked myself in

13.  Group Therapy I had the strength to admit i needed help

14.  Telling my parents I am not perfect and that i have an eating disorder

15.  Being honest with myself and my friends.  I realized i have an amazing support system.

16.  Being a consultant in an industry that is growing at a rapid rate.  I am in charge of so many things and I keep my ED out of it.  My patients across the country rely on what i do.

I am not a victim and i can stop life from happening to me.  I am charge of what happens in my life.  I am independent, smart, funny, beautiful, goofy, quirky, athletic, sexy and a damn good friend/gf.  I weather the storm everyday.  I fight internal battles everyday.  I have the strength that i need to do what i want to do with my life.  I am not a failure, but a success, in all that i do.  I can overcome anything life throws at me <3

immeasurable:

(via blogsecret)

We’ll make it through.

 NO!  This is bullshit!!!  Simply fucking bullshit!  What girl believes this?  Sure, you can say to not let you go.  But you never NEED someone and you will never fall apart without someone.  You are one WHOLE person and having someone else in your life doesn’t complete you, it compliments you.  You may want someone in your life more than anything but you sure as fuck dont need anyone but those that have been with you your entire life.  When you think you need someone, than you are not happy with yourself and you are looking for someone to bring you your happy, rather than BE YOUR OWN happy. 

I am so mad at myself for begging.  SO FUCKING MADDD!!!  I didnt want it to come off that way.  I have begged in the past; it is not attractive.  The way I acted would have made an outsider think that it was 95% my fault and 5% the others!  It takes two equal parts to make something work; or vica versa.  The past few days I have been over so much in this large brain of mine.  I have gone over so many many different past situations and realized that I had a reason to act the way I acted.  Any other girl would have reacted that way in those situations.  I have feelings and thoughts too and I should stick up for myself when I feel so strongly about something.  When I am hurt, I am fucking HURT!  Tell me why I shouldnt hurt…not that you don’t think I will ever get over it.  REALLY? 

All a girl really needs, esp me, is to know they are thought about and wanted.  It’s not that I needed to see you every day or night or even hear your voice.  I chose to give you the time i did.  I chose to give you my all w/o asking too much in return. 

I know that I have things to work on but I am just angry that I came off like this was all of my fault.  Im angry that I made it sound like my life would crumble down around me without you.  THIS is the only HARD/Difficult/Saddening thing that i have going on in my life.  Everything else is perfect…so yes, my life WILL go on.  But there is a difference btw wanting and needing.  I wish I would have conveyed that message better and earlier in the relationship.  See your kids two nights, your friends one night and be alone the other.  I would have rather been called at 9 pm to come stay the night with your big long arms wrapped around me two nights a week than spend 5 hours in one weeknight with you watching tv. 

I WISH I would have kept my own things going in my life but i CHOSE not to.  I chose wrong, it seems.  I wanted you…I didn’t need you and I wish you would have known that.  I wish I would have ….ugh…wishing will get me no where.  I can wish until I am blue in the face.  I can analyze until I am dead.  I can turn my lilfe upside down and have a panic attack trying to figure this out.  But this time, I CHOOSE not to.  I am where I am and are who i are ;) lol.  One more thing to grow on and learn from.  But fuck…I am tired of learning already. 

(via recovery4me)

haha! this is freaking so cute and awesome!  i have always been afraid to say what i feel.  always afraid of losing what i have but mostly, disappointing someone or failing at something.  but when i think about it, what i feel is what makes me ME.  if i dont say how i feel and come to terms that it is okay to feel this way, then who the fuck’s life am i leading?  not my own, thats for sure!  say what you need to say…it makes you you, and someone out there will love you for it and all of your other flaws.  perfection is something i have had my mind set on for a very long timel.  not attaining it is what kept ED around.  i dont need perfection and i dont need ED.  im fucking sweet the way i am.  i am honest, the sweetest thing in the world; im sexy, smart, funny, sarcastic, trendy, bright, trustworthy, devoted, driven, goal oriented, althletic, world traveled, intellectual and i could go on.  i dont need to be everything.  i need to be happy with what god gave me and do something positive with it.  not let ED kill me slowly. 

If you could fit the entire population of the world into a village consisting of 100 people,maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth, that village would consist of 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 Americans and 8 Africans.

There would be: 52 women and 48 men; 30 Caucasians and 70 non; 30 Christians and 70 non; 89 heterosexuals and 11 homosexuals.

6 people would posessess 59% of the wealth and they would all come from the USA.  80 would live in poverty; 70 would be illiterate; 50 would suffer from hunger and malnutrition; 1 would be dying while another would be being born; 1 would own a computer and only ONE would have a college degree.

Consider the following:

If you woke up this morning in good health, you have more luck than 1 MILLION people, who won’t live through the week.

If you have never experienced the horror of war, the solitude of prison, the pain of torture, or have never been close to starvation, you are better off than 500 MILLION people.

If you can go to your place of worship w/o fear that somone will assault or kill you, then you are luckier than 3 BILLION people. (almost half of the world population) 

If you have a full fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are wealthier than 75% of the world’s population.

If you currently have money in the bank, in your wallet and a few coins in your pocket or purse, you are one of 8 of the priveleged few amongst the 8 people in your village. 

If your parents are still alive and are still married, you are a rare individual.  Finally, if you are reading this, you don’t comprise of one of the 2 billion people who can’t read. 

So…as cheesy as this is ;)

• WORK like you don’t need the money
• LOVE like nobody has ever crushed you
• DANCE like nobody is watching
• SING like nobody is listening
• LIVE as if this was paradise on Earth.

ED….you are a stupid lying son of a bitch.  I hate you in so many ways right now that it is tough for me to find words.  The fact that I am not eloquent in my speech makes it even harder ;)  What made me trust you so much?  How did i let your lying deceitful ass into my life and then stay there for so long?  You have done nothing to benefit me whatsoever in these nine years.  I am scared to know what could be wrong on the inside of my body.  I am lucky my teeth are still very nice and i bless my mother, my hygentist, for her good work every 6 months for that.  You have made my bowel system so uncomfortable at times that it effects every day living!  that is just hard to sit with!  you have made me this person that i hate, even more than i can ever say i disliked what was going on in my life to make me look for you!  I was scared to leave you bc you were all that i knew and all that i had and the only thing i could for sure rely on for that ‘feel good buzz’ i needed. for the moments i was eating and purging i felt nothing.  i didnt feel the pressures of relationships, or school, or the test i had, or an interview, or a speech, or not fitting into those jeans i did last year.  i felt nothing and you made me feel good.  but only for those few hours.  and then it was back to where i was.  what took me so long to figure this out?  I look back and think of the times i binged and places i have purged; my trashcan in my dorm room, in my sorority house room, in my bedroom at my house in ksu and in my apt room my fifth year.  i would tie up the trash sack adn put it in my book bag and take it out to the dumpster when i thought no one was looking.  so gross!  What lengths you make us go to so we can get our high.  And high for what?  So i can postpone for a few hours the same emotions i have to deal with when i am done?  Excpet i cant deal with them right then bc my head hurts, my eyes are watering, my jaw aches and i am weak and need to lay down?  I have even passed out a few times.  You and i are so over!  you are horrible and disgusting.  You are killing millions of beautiful women around the world.  I would rather be alone and 20 lbs over weight and have my relationships full and amazing with my friends and family than live with the shame and guilt you put on me. You are bastard and i hate you so much!  Just like every other relationship i have been in, i did whatever you asked and got nothing of benefit in return.  you will no longer keep me from being me or loving myself so that i can be loved wholey and endlessly.  you will no longer keep me from my friends and steal my money.  You will no longer control me.  When i slip, i will scream and yell at you until i hate you even more.  I read so many things from girls out there living iwth you.  You are so sad that you have to stoop to that level that you hurt and even kill so many women and some men.  Leave us alone.  we are all perfect the way we are.  and someone, someday, will love us for just that.